Round 2

So this quite literally is round 2 for me! Or take 2. I joined again a few nights ago on a spur of the moment, “I’m sick of this shit”, decision. 

Best decision ever. 

I sit here at work, 9 days before kickoff, savagely tired, but extremely excited. I am ready. I have mingling more and more with my #D30 gals, pumping myself up more and more for the  start. I cannot weight. (lolgetit?) xD.

I am joining a new gym and have got the timetable for that, I have gotten the timetable for aqua aerobics, and I am blessed with a good job in that my work roster has been set (extra shifts come in all the time thought), I am in the middle of working out my diary. Organise and diarise. 

I want to take control of my life. I have felt in the last few months, a downward spiral of my mental state. I have felt a distinct lack of order and stability in my life, despite an apparent abundance of it. I have a roof over my head. A loving boyfriend who supports me in everything. A beautiful baby boy cat who I love with my entire being. A job that puts money in the bank and food on the table. But yet I feel like nothing is in my control. 

I have realised this is my own doing. I have the control at every moment, I make all the choices. Nothing is out of my control. So what Is going on! I have not been taking account of my choices and their consequences. 

Nothing is beyond my grasp. I decide what time I wake up, whether I go to the gym or not. I decide what goes in my mouth, no one else. I choose to spend my money on takeaway as opposed to groceries. I have had a moment of clarity whilst writing this blog and reading other #D30 blogs. I am the master of my own fate. And I will take the reins once more instead of just cruising along.

I will choose to eat better. I will choose to exercise more. I will choose to respect myself better and be more aware of the decisions I am making. I will make myself remember to keep my diary, and follow my plans to the letter. I will not let my emotions rule my day, or my plate. 

I want to make my family proud of me, to stop the doubters and to truly live. What I have been doing recently, has not been living. I breathe, I sleep and I eat, but I have not been conscious to the world around me, and that is simply not acceptable. 

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